Episode 8 - "Gabe's Naked Bears" with co-host Scott

Meet Gabe, formerly of San Jose, CA and a product of the post-internet generation who came of age and discovered bear culture with the help of the world wide web. He also has some advice for Grindr hookups: don’t have sex with hoarders with a lot of cats. With co-host Scott.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

My name is Gabriel. I'm 24. Originally from San Jose, but now I live in Seattle.

I went to a very Christian school. It was very strict. And when I was doing theater, every opening night of whatever show we were doing, we had something called Boxers on Parade where all the boys in the dressing room would strip down to their boxers. And then we would start banging on the door and go, "Boxers on parade." And then we would march through the entire theater in our boxers. That was when I was like eight, I want to say. That's probably the most sexual moment that I can think of.

Our parents had this massager, like a back massager and I would just put it in my crotch and just kinda let it buzz. And I think that would get me off, but I wouldn't really know it. I used to play doctor with the kid across the street, constantly. And then his mom found out about it. And then that was the night that my parents had the talk with me. So I was never really punished for it. It was definitely frowned upon. But they never reprimanded me for it. Because it was  just like, "Oh, he's a kid and this and that." So that was when I found out what sex was. 

My parents never let me watch PG-13, rated R movies. I remember that sex existed in those movies. And whenever I'd go to my cousin's house, they were allowed to watch those movies. So sometimes I'd like to peep in, but they were even good about not letting me watch those because my parents were very adamant about it. I mean, that was basically how it was until I was like 15.

How I learned about sex in the first place. I can actually kind of pinpoint it back to a day. I was 11 and my family is having a wine party downstairs. My parents make wine as a huge hobby of theirs, and all their friends were over. And they were all talking and getting ready for, I couldn't tell you what it was, if it was a bottling or a crush. But so I ran upstairs and the first thing I did was I kind of sat down in my seat. And I think I was supposed to be working on homework. And I just got really excited and typed in "older, fat, naked, men." I was into chubs growing up. 

When I was growing up and when I'd go to church, this was when I was super fucking young. I'd have this idea that if I could stop time and then go up to any of the older men in their seats, take down their pants, and literally like suck their cock, and then pull their pants back up, and then zip them up again. I always would wonder if they would know. Because I always think about it, all these older men. So that's probably why I thought about it. And why it kind of came to me to like, "This has always been my fantasy. Why not just start here." I was in heaven. I was like, "Oh my God, this is amazing." And just kind of started filtering through the pictures. But there wasn't any sex on that website. It was just naked bears. I can literally picture the website and what it looked like, and the men that were on there. I can not tell you what it was called, but I have never been able to find it. 

As far as sex goes, I remember it was the Next Door Buddies website. Totally not my cup of tea.  But it was like the first exposure to gay sex that I'd ever seen or sex in general. I couldn't even tell you if I got hard or not, but I was definitely very aroused and excited. Didn't know what masturbating was. Even though I knew what I was watching, I didn't know that that was sex. I just didn't know that penis going into hole was the act of sex. I just thought sucking, and fucking, and rimming and all of that was sex. I knew the feeling, but I didn't know how to do it. And like I said earlier, I think Guys Next Door taught me how to masturbate. And I was like, "Okay, if I keep doing this for long enough, I'm going to have this moment that's going to make me feel really, really good." Yeah. So it was just a lot of exploring. And I was extremely nervous that someone was gonna walk in because we had an open door policy in our house. So I had to be really cautious. 

So when I was probably 12 or 13, I had this idea of when I would watch porn, I gave myself strikes. Like, "You have three strikes. You're only allowed to watch this three times." Some bullshit. I'd watch porn every day. As much as I possibly could. That bathroom door would be locked for hours.

But something that I got into though was, I guess you could say kinky. Probably when I was like 13 or 14. Wow. This is really intimate. I used to go on webcams. Yeah. I used to go on Omegle and there was a few other ones. And then I would Skype with older men. So yeah, that was up until I was like 18. And I would just tell them that I was 18. And then some of them, I would also dial it back. Like once we'd be on Skype, I would dial it back and be like, "Oh, just kidding. I'm actually 16." And then they would still stay on. So I never really realized how bad that was until I was of age. But for a very, very short time it was something that kept me awake. And then I was like, "I can't do anything about it now." And honestly, it's kind of just fuck with the wind, you know? It'd be really interesting to log back on. I was telling my roommate, I was like, "It'd be really interesting to log back on to that Skype and look at my past stuff." Most of these men were very much, just sleazy. I mean, they're on web chats. They used to live in, I think Timbuktu. So this was their outlet. I wasn't like having sex on camera or like fucking myself with anything. It was just us jacking off and talking dirty to each other and stuff like that. 

One guy did get me to drink piss though. That was my first drinking piss experience. That was probably like 15. I didn't like it, at the time. Now it's a little different, you know? I rekindled my love for it.

Personally, for me my first time was, I would say three separate instances. And one was vacation Bible camp with this boy. And we were both counselors and we locked ourselves in the bathroom. And he tried to stick it in me, didn't really work. So I consider that one of them. That one was when I was 17. 

But my first real one. When I was 18, I went on Craigslist and I was looking for like a daddy. And he picked me up one night and we sucked each other off in his car. And then the next morning he picked me up and took me to his house. And then he fucked me. I did not like to bottom. I didn't know how to prepare. I was not prepared. It just hurt. And I really wanted to get through it really quickly. It was not enjoyable. It was not hot. He was sexy. Sucking him off was fun. Having all the foreplay moment was fun. And I kept remembering, his dog kept barking. And it was super annoying, and in our faces, and no finesse. I told him that I was a virgin and I'd always wanted to be fucked. And then not to mention, after that I was only a top for about two years.  Because it was just such a painful experience. 

And then another daddy showed me the way. Okay, so this guy was tan and had the whole underwear white butt. Oh, he was so hot. And he finally came to town, we'd been chatting for a long time. And he came back to town. And he was only a top, but he's like, "God, your cock is great. I would love for you to fuck me." And I was like, "Okay, great." So I did. And so I fucked him and he's like, "Do you ever bottom?" And I said no. And he's like, "Do you like to bottom? And I was like, "No, I hate it." And I described to him my past experience. And he's like, "It does not sound like he knew how to fuck you at all." And so I was like, "Okay." And he's like, "Go in the bathroom. I have a set up. Do you know how to use this?" And I was like, "I think I've used it like once before." I used his bulb, cleaned out, and then came back. And he had a pretty big cock too, very similar to the first guy who fucked me.

And he was talking me through every single moment that was going on. He was like, "All right, I'll put the head in." And every inch he would just let me take it. And he's like, "Open up." Then for some reason I had this instinct, this natural instinct, like just literally opened up my hole. And he's like, "Just push out, push out. Let me in." And then I remember he was just like, "Clench really tight, and then you'll get used to me." And then he still fucked me for like an hour. And It was very great. It was just like, "I fucking get it. This is so good!" It was a magical evening.

I like to think of myself as an all around player. I'm an equal opportunist, I'll give everyone a fair shot. I am an amazing kisser. I've always wanted to kiss myself. But I have an idea of what kind of kisser I am. I had an ex and he and I just, fireworks. It was just like, you didn't really know where each other's bodies started and began. And that's just kind of how I always envisioned the way that I kiss. Because everyone tells me I'm a great kisser. 

I love rimming for a long, long time. I don't want you to sit on my face because I can't breathe. And I mean, that can be hot in certain situations. But that's not like the long play for me. For me, I want you to just sit back while I go to town on you. The other man is laying down on his stomach and just letting me spread his cheeks and just sit there. Enjoy your time. Watch a movie. I've literally ridden somebody through the entire Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Swear to God. I have this infatuation with asses. I love them. I love them. They're so good. Everything about them. So I would say that those are my two best moves. 

I ended up meeting this guy on Grindr and he was a hoarder. Very, very shortly after this I learned, never walk into a hoarder's house. His bed was more of like one of those mats that you get at the gym you're doing your exercises on, you're doing crunches on. It was just blue. It was this bright, Royal blue mat. It was very interesting. He also had a fuck ton of cats. And one literally jumps on my back and scratches the shit out of me. And I started bleeding everywhere. He's like, "Just get in the shower." I was like, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to get typhoid if I walk into this shower." So I was like, "You know what?" I threw my shirt and I ran out the door. I was like, "I can't do this." It was such a nightmare. Shortly after that, I deleted Grindr.

I think one thing that's really embarrassing that I've always been a little ashamed of. So I dated this guy and he was pos. And I think I was 19. And I told him that I trusted him. He was very open with me. He was undetectable. I told him that I was okay with it, and I told him my past experiences. And when it came to me bottoming for him, everything was great until I came. And then I got clammed up. He fucked me and then he didn't come inside me. He came on my chest and he never precame. And so I don't know why I was in my head about it. And then I came. And then I was all in my head. It was like, "Okay, I'm really into this. I'm really into this. Everything's going to be fine." I was non on prep. I was not being safe. Once I came, then I kind of shut down. And we had like one or two more dates after that. Because I couldn't get it out of my head. And that was just not fair. I know. I've learned a lot and I've always felt a little guilty about that. So that's one thing that I've always been a little embarrassed about.

Don't think about it too much. I put a lot of weight on my shoulders and in my head about how I have to perform and who I'm performing for. And that only has just given me a lot of anxiety about having sex. And in relation to that, I don't perform. Like I don't get hard a lot, especially in  group scenes. If somebody is in my mind too hot for me, I have trouble getting hard constantly. So I wear bottoming as a crutch. The chemistry's there? I'll be fine. But sometimes if the chemistry is there and I have feelings for this person, I'm constantly going through my head.  Like, "Am I getting hard?" Like if they're sucking me off, like, "Oh my God, am I getting hard? Am I getting hard?" It's just something that plays over in my head and I put way too much weight on myself. I'm like, "Just enjoy the person who's in front of you." 

That's one thing that I could tell myself, is just stop thinking about it so much. Because it's just another man with a dick. I mean, that's all it is. And most of the time they're not here to harm you. You know what I mean? I've lived in San Francisco. Gay life there is very different than gay life here. We have such an amazing community up here. And I've only been here a year and a half, and I have an amazing group of friends that I call my family.

Diesel is like home. I think the home away from home for a lot of people. And I definitely feel that. I mean, it's just a bar, but it's not. It's where I come and see people in my community. It's how we connect. It's how I get to see amazing people multiple times a week. And it's so random. Like people know about my life that I don't hang out with outside of Diesel. And that's just really special to know that people actually care. This might be a very good resource for me.